Jared Eats World

That time of year is right around the corner. Yuletide greetings, late nights by the fire, eggnog, family and friends… that’s right, the holiday season. This year, I want you to give your loved ones presents they deserve. Just say no to video games, golf clubs, CD’s, and expensive electronics. Who needs those things anyway?! This year, show your love by giving away Maggot Cheese. Yes, Maggot Cheese.

Casu Marzu. Casu Marzu is Italian for “get that shit away from me.” Technically, it is Pecorino cheese from Sardinia, with little tiny gifts inside. Thousands of them. What a better way to celebrate the holidays, right? Glass of wine, bread, cured meats, cheese, aaaannnnndddd maggots.

This is how it’s made: You take normal Pecorino Cheese. You introduce the cheese fly larvae, then you let it ferment. The larvae eat the Pecorino. The digestive system of the larvae turns it into a soft/spreadable cheese. Here’s the thing, it’s kind of toxic. If the larvae die, they turn poisonous… That’s why you have to eat the cheese only when the larvae is living.

For those of you who aren’t into maggots with their cheese… I have a solution. The larvae jump upwards of 6 inches in the air. The Italians spread the cheese on a piece of bread or on a cracker, and seal it with a paper bag. The maggots, starved for oxygen, writhe and jump in the bag, creating a “pitter-patter” sound. When the sounds subside, the maggots are dead and the cheese can be eaten.

Unfortunately, there is some bad news about the cheese. Apparently there is some “health questions” that have arose by eating this stuff. Go figure. The FDA doesn’t think it’s safe, so they’ve outlawed it in the US. Apparently there is some risk of Enteric Myiasis, or intestinal larval infection. I guess that the Piophila Casei larvae are very resistant to human stomach acid and can pass through the stomach alive, taking up residency for some period of time in the intestines and causing stomach lesions and other gastrointestinal problems. The FDA ruins everything.

The point is, everyone loves cheese… and everyone loves surprises. Put them together, and you have the greatest gift of all time. When I’m in Italy next year, I’ll make sure to grab all my friends some. You can thank me later.

I hate foodies.

There, I’ve said it. It was hard. It’s been eating at me for weeks, but I had to get it out. Who is a foodie? You. Yes you. You’re the one I hate. I hate you and your “cool” places to eat. You know, the one you frequent in Midtown. That place that charges you $15.00 for an appetizer of polenta, that’s 4 days old…. and you eat that crap. You eat it all up. You rave about how amazing the polenta was, and how this is the greatest, coolest, hippest, and most badical restaurant since… well, since eating at cool and badical restaurants became cool.

Look, I’m not here to put anyone down… I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of all the neo-downtown hipsters that can’t even afford to eat out. But you do! Every night; and everything is exquisite. You sicken me. You wouldn’t know a good wine if it stabbed you in the face. You don’t know the difference between a 2003 Heitz Cabernet or a 2003 Carlos Rossi. You couldn’t even tell me why a chicken breast is different than a chicken leg……… but you pretend you do. That’s why I hate you. I hate you because you’re dishonest.

I guess I’m just angry. Angry at the fact that you’re a lemming, and you have no real idea what real/good food is. I’ve had pasta with butter and cheese that probably tasted better than your $50.00 dry aged beef. If I told you that, you’d tell me I’m wrong. That’s just the way you are.

If you’ve reach this part of my post… then you’re probably asking yourself, “Jared, aren’t you a foodie?” My answer is yes, but no. I guess I hate myself, kinda… but not really. I’m not an annoying foodie. Those are the people that grate at my skin. If those people were hanging on a ledge by 1 hand… screaming for help. I’d put my ipod earbuds in, only because I just want to hear them stop talking. Maybe they can talk about how amazing their cool, badical, and amazing local hotdog restaurant is, as they’re falling to their impending doom.

I guess what Im trying to say, is that I just want someone to enjoy a meal, and when asked why they liked it… the response is, “it was just really good.” Simple food is simply delicious. Let me rephrase… simple, REAL, and FRESH food is simply delicious; and hardly anyone does it right. Whether it cost $100.00 a plate or $10.00… just throw out your fake mustache, and enjoy the company of your friends and family, with the food and wine you have. Just be honest and real about food…. and maybe, just maybe, I’ll invite you over for a cool, awesome, and badical dinner that I made from my cool, awesome, and badical kitchen. For free.

Keep stuffing your face fat man. What’s that? Ohh, you’re still hungry? My apologies. Grab more chemicals in meat format and shove them down your gullet. How about another hot dog?

nom nom nom nom nom.

Listen. We all like hotdogs. Well, not all of us… but most of us. We all like packaged meat. Well…. the average fat American does. The fact is, most of the world eats meat or some sort of it. Unless you’re a vegetarian. Vegetarians don’t like meat. So if you’re vegetarian, this post is probably right up your alley.

My grandfather once told me, there are 4 things an animal should have:

1). A Good Life.
2). A Good Death.
3). A Good Butcher.
4). A Good Cook.

Neither of the above pertain to this entry. Why? Because Im going to talk about fake, processed, packaged, and chemical abundant meat.

SODIUM NITRATE. The word alone should have you running as far away from the Supermarket as you could. Maybe you’d cross over into Canada… maybe not. It really depends on if you like our cuddly neighbors to the north of us. The point is, YOU eat SODIUM NITRATE almost everyday, and its KILLING you. Its okay. The FDA says its fine. Hey, if the government says its good for you lemmings… go for it. Don’t ever think for yourselves.

The sad thing is, SODIUM NITRATE is just one of numerous chemicals that food producers put in your products to make them look nice, taste better, or last longer. It’s just not natural to eat that kind of stuff. These are laboratory produced chemicals, not naturally found in nature. We wonder why the Cancer rates have almost quadrupled since the 1950s. We just don’t eat healthy. We stuff chemicals in our mouth everyday because that’s what we are sold. You don’t believe me? Why are we the fattest nation in the world? It’s not because we are a flourishing and have an abundance of food… it’s because we stuff our faces with gross, processed, and laboratory made CRAPOLA.

SODIUM NITRATE is used as a preservative, as a coloring, and as a flavoring of bacon, ham, frankfurters, luncheon meats, smoked fish, corned beef and every single fastfood meat product you buy. Meat processors love sodium nitrite because it stabilizes the red color in cured meat (without nitrite, hot dogs and bacon would look gray) and gives a characteristic flavor (also known as chemical flavor). Sodium nitrate is used in dry cured meat, because it slowly breaks down into nitrite. Adding nitrite to food can lead to the formation of small amounts of potent cancer-causing chemicals (nitrosamines), particularly in fried bacon.

Don’t believe me? Go to your fridge, grab your bacon or packaged meat products… and look at the ingredients. Unless you’re eating “organic bacon” for $6.99 a pound… SODIUM NITRATE is there. YUMMMMMMY!!!

Maybe we should feed bacon and other forms of packaged meat to terrorists… Maybe you should just stop eating them. I mean, it does make your waistline look good. Then again, so do nice fitting jeans. Speaking of nice fitting jeans, while you’re checking your bacon and other meats….. check your pant sizes too. If they are too small, or they cut off your circulation to your legs. You should really purchase some new clothes. The whole “muffin top” look just isn’t attractive. Exercise also helps.

What Im trying to say is, SODIUM NITRATE and other chemicals saturating your dinner plate isn’t good for you. They are synthetic. They can’t help your health in anyway. Im not telling you to stop eating meat, or stop eating bacon, or stop eating hotdogs… Im just telling you to cut back. A lot. Its not healthy. A healthy diet should consist of fruits, vegetables, meat, dairy, and a lot of exercise. There is a reason why Europeans live longer than all of us… and its not because they live next to the nice French people.

The point is, just be smarter about your eating habits. Read the labels. Become informed of what you’re eating and when you’re eating it. Set an example and start eating healthy. It’ll make all the difference in your life. Trust me.

Cocoa Pebbles are evil. I ate a box in 2 days. Alone. For breakfast.

I firmly believe that Cocoa Pebbles are filled with drugs. Not your typical “street drug” that your 8 year old neighbor is buying… Im talking about highly evolved FDA/Government drugs. I need a 12 step program. The youth of tomorrow is doomed.

When was the last time you watched a new episode of the Flintstones? 1966? Obviously they stopped making cartoons because they had something better to do… making drugs. Im guessing one day on the set, Barney Rubble shared his stash with the entire crew; the next thing you know, the entire cast is in a dark basement mixing chemicals. Five years later, The Flintstones and Post Cereal combined forces with a plan to destroy the minds and teeth of today’s children………………and it’s working.

Excuse me while I put my tin-foil hat on. I’m out of cereal, and Nugget has some on sale.