Jared Eats World

That time of year is right around the corner. Yuletide greetings, late nights by the fire, eggnog, family and friends… that’s right, the holiday season. This year, I want you to give your loved ones presents they deserve. Just say no to video games, golf clubs, CD’s, and expensive electronics. Who needs those things anyway?! This year, show your love by giving away Maggot Cheese. Yes, Maggot Cheese.

Casu Marzu. Casu Marzu is Italian for “get that shit away from me.” Technically, it is Pecorino cheese from Sardinia, with little tiny gifts inside. Thousands of them. What a better way to celebrate the holidays, right? Glass of wine, bread, cured meats, cheese, aaaannnnndddd maggots.

This is how it’s made: You take normal Pecorino Cheese. You introduce the cheese fly larvae, then you let it ferment. The larvae eat the Pecorino. The digestive system of the larvae turns it into a soft/spreadable cheese. Here’s the thing, it’s kind of toxic. If the larvae die, they turn poisonous… That’s why you have to eat the cheese only when the larvae is living.

For those of you who aren’t into maggots with their cheese… I have a solution. The larvae jump upwards of 6 inches in the air. The Italians spread the cheese on a piece of bread or on a cracker, and seal it with a paper bag. The maggots, starved for oxygen, writhe and jump in the bag, creating a “pitter-patter” sound. When the sounds subside, the maggots are dead and the cheese can be eaten.

Unfortunately, there is some bad news about the cheese. Apparently there is some “health questions” that have arose by eating this stuff. Go figure. The FDA doesn’t think it’s safe, so they’ve outlawed it in the US. Apparently there is some risk of Enteric Myiasis, or intestinal larval infection. I guess that the Piophila Casei larvae are very resistant to human stomach acid and can pass through the stomach alive, taking up residency for some period of time in the intestines and causing stomach lesions and other gastrointestinal problems. The FDA ruins everything.

The point is, everyone loves cheese… and everyone loves surprises. Put them together, and you have the greatest gift of all time. When I’m in Italy next year, I’ll make sure to grab all my friends some. You can thank me later.

I hate foodies.

There, I’ve said it. It was hard. It’s been eating at me for weeks, but I had to get it out. Who is a foodie? You. Yes you. You’re the one I hate. I hate you and your “cool” places to eat. You know, the one you frequent in Midtown. That place that charges you $15.00 for an appetizer of polenta, that’s 4 days old…. and you eat that crap. You eat it all up. You rave about how amazing the polenta was, and how this is the greatest, coolest, hippest, and most badical restaurant since… well, since eating at cool and badical restaurants became cool.

Look, I’m not here to put anyone down… I’m here to tell you that I’m sick of all the neo-downtown hipsters that can’t even afford to eat out. But you do! Every night; and everything is exquisite. You sicken me. You wouldn’t know a good wine if it stabbed you in the face. You don’t know the difference between a 2003 Heitz Cabernet or a 2003 Carlos Rossi. You couldn’t even tell me why a chicken breast is different than a chicken leg……… but you pretend you do. That’s why I hate you. I hate you because you’re dishonest.

I guess I’m just angry. Angry at the fact that you’re a lemming, and you have no real idea what real/good food is. I’ve had pasta with butter and cheese that probably tasted better than your $50.00 dry aged beef. If I told you that, you’d tell me I’m wrong. That’s just the way you are.

If you’ve reach this part of my post… then you’re probably asking yourself, “Jared, aren’t you a foodie?” My answer is yes, but no. I guess I hate myself, kinda… but not really. I’m not an annoying foodie. Those are the people that grate at my skin. If those people were hanging on a ledge by 1 hand… screaming for help. I’d put my ipod earbuds in, only because I just want to hear them stop talking. Maybe they can talk about how amazing their cool, badical, and amazing local hotdog restaurant is, as they’re falling to their impending doom.

I guess what Im trying to say, is that I just want someone to enjoy a meal, and when asked why they liked it… the response is, “it was just really good.” Simple food is simply delicious. Let me rephrase… simple, REAL, and FRESH food is simply delicious; and hardly anyone does it right. Whether it cost $100.00 a plate or $10.00… just throw out your fake mustache, and enjoy the company of your friends and family, with the food and wine you have. Just be honest and real about food…. and maybe, just maybe, I’ll invite you over for a cool, awesome, and badical dinner that I made from my cool, awesome, and badical kitchen. For free.

As you noticed, I have now added a “Like” button for you facebook fans to the right of this webpage. If you’re directionally challenged, it’s to your other right. I’d hope that you enjoy this page enough to “Like” it… No pressure, I just know where you live.

If you’re wondering how my fantastical mind came up with such an amazing idea… it can all be summed up by this statement: “Everyone else is doing it.”

For the foodies out there, I just want you to know that I was drinking (heavily) and eating while adding the “Like” code to my website. I have a lot of cool articles coming up! Stay tuned!

Dear Garden,

It’s not you, it’s me. It would probably be better for the both of us if we went our separate ways.

Sincerely,

Jared

—————–

Please look at the picture on your left. If you’re directionally challenged, it’ll be to the right. See all those peppers? Those came from my garden. Jealous? You shouldn’t be. I would have posted the picture of my tomatoes, but that would make you vomit.

My garden and I have a love hate relationship. I love it. It hates me. This is not good for our long term status. It’s like that lost dog who wandered into your yard. Deep down you want to keep it, but deep down you hope that it runs away to your neighbor’s house; preferably the one that didn’t let you borrow his lawnmower. That’s how I feel with my garden. I love it, but secretly wish a small meteor would rain down and take out my garden around the first week of August. I’ve had enough.

Please refer to the picture on the left again… or right. Your choice. Just make sure it’s the one with all the peppers in it. I forgot to mention that the picture is only 1/4th of the amount I actually picked. 300 are still on the plant. This is my fourth cycle of peppers I have picked this year…. I’ve actually ran out of canning supplies. Don’t even get me started on tomatoes. I have enough tomatoes to feed the entire city of Parma. The point is, I can’t eat anymore vegetables. I’ve had enough. It’s like Chinese water torture. At first you can take it… then after 4 weeks of eating the same thing over and over, you just want something different… like bread. I wish you could grow bread in a garden…. or pasta. The world would definitely be a better place.